This Much I Know is True

I hate living.

I know I always say it but I really do. I can't ever do things good enough for anyone. My parents don't like me and neither do my own friends. I feel so alone anymore it's not funny.

Everyday I consider just ending it all. But I don't have the guts.

I'm so fucking pathetic. I really am.

"/

I pretty much just got dumped by my once best friend. Losing a friend has never hurt this much before.

The Poughkeepsie Tapes (unreleased) Review.

In the 1990's a serial killer terrorized

an upstate New York town.
Some murderers leave clues.
Some leave warnings.
This one left...
The Poughkeepsie Tapes

And that is how the advertising poster lures you in. But for me it was the trailer I saw years ago before the films original release date in 2007/2008. But since then the movie has been put into an indefinitely postponed state with no real reason why. But due to the fortune that is bootlegging I managed to get myself a copy and watched it.
It's pretty much a "documentary" about a serial killer who left behind over 800 video tapes containing videos of him kidnapping, torturing and killing people. Between interviews and segments from the killer's tapes, the movie gives you a grim and brutal look into a (fictitious) horrible, brutal and grim crime spree that lasts over 8 years.
Despite some bad reviews, I've found quite a few good ones. This lead me to have hope the movie was good and I will say I agree. It was a good movie. It wasn't overly scary, but it was a thriller and did leave you with a horrible gut feeling at times. Many of the scenes were disturbing and just plain fucked up. This movie is not for the faint of heart, nor is it for anyone who gets easily disturbed.
One note that did leave me a little annoyed was the baffling fact that (in the version I watched) the creators clung to the whole "real" factor a little too much as the movie ends with an in memory of victims list and the credits has a featured list instead of giving a cast. Nor was the "This movie is a work of fiction" line anywhere in the credits. This could potentially lead to people believe the events portrayed in the movie to be real when they aren't.
With a Blair Witch/District 9 documentary feel, I would say this movie deserves a theatrical release. It at least deserves to be released on DVD instead of being swept under the carpet to be long forgotten.

Clash of the Titans (2010) Review.

After watching a decent bootleg of the new Clash of the Titans, I'm pretty glad that I didn't waste $10 to see it in theaters. As a huge fan of the original 1981 version, I found this one to be very disappointing. Too much of the story was changed and some of the changes had no real reason to be made.
My biggest beef had to be the removal of a key beloved despite quirky character: Bubo the mechanical owl. The story wasn't the same with his mechanical babbling. Another annoying change was instead of being white Pegasus was black, and his role was cut down to be very minimal. The whole romance between Perseus and Andromeda was complete cut as well.
The only cool things were the scorpion riding Djinn, Medusa looking bad ass and sexy at the same time, Liam Neeson as a very shiny Zeus, and the Kraken.
Overall I felt like it was a waste of time. If you've never seen the original then it's probably easier to like, but die hard fans of the original should avoid this. I remember when I first heard about the remake they said it was going to be an homage to the original. It was anything but that. Instead it was taking a beloved classic and modernizing it into a flashy, special effects driven, action flick.

In the halflight I'll see you in time.

Last night I started writing. It's a story that's been floating around my head for more than a year. It's changed and evolved into something amazing, somethng I can't wait to put down on paper.
I've fallen so in love with the story adn the characters that it makes me sad that Indrid and Lilah aren't real. Sometimes I even catch myself wishing I could trade places with Lilah, even if she's fighting for survival. Her life is just so much more amazing than mine.
Over the past year, my life has gone from almost amazing to not worth living. Someone once told me that I wasn't living, that I was just surviving, adn you know what? It's true. It's completely true. And it's the biggest reason I cry myself to sleep every night.
Some people would argue that it's my own damn fault but what am I to do when I don't drive and I live out in the middle of nowhere with no friends willing enough to drive out to see me. To make things worse when I offer to pick up my friends to hang they still ahve some reason or another to not see me. I can't help but feel like the worlds ignoring me sometimes.
And people wondering why I'm so bitchy about my friends. wouldn't you be bitchy if your friends pretty much ignored you all the time?
All of this just makes me feel like crying again. I am so tired of being depressed over this. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of trying to have friends. I'm tired of surviving. Fuck I'm tired of living, period. I'm just so goddamned tired of existing.
I used to feel proud of myself for getting over cutting and the suicide attempts, but not anymore. I just regret it. The cutting helped me forget the pain. It helped more than any person ever has. And the suicide? Well the thought of ending it all was the biggest comfort I've ever felt, even if I was too scared to go through with it.
Maybe someday I won't be scared anymore. Someday...

Reminder

Everyday I go online and Facebook, deviantART, Twitter, Formspring. It all makes me want to cry becuase everyday I am reminded of how little I actually mean to my friends. I'm reminded of how insignificant and pathetic I am.
I'm so close to just forgetting those sites and only using the internet for Hate Culture.