Last night I started writing. It's a story that's been floating around my head for more than a year. It's changed and evolved into something amazing, somethng I can't wait to put down on paper.
I've fallen so in love with the story adn the characters that it makes me sad that Indrid and Lilah aren't real. Sometimes I even catch myself wishing I could trade places with Lilah, even if she's fighting for survival. Her life is just so much more amazing than mine.
Over the past year, my life has gone from almost amazing to not worth living. Someone once told me that I wasn't living, that I was just surviving, adn you know what? It's true. It's completely true. And it's the biggest reason I cry myself to sleep every night.
Some people would argue that it's my own damn fault but what am I to do when I don't drive and I live out in the middle of nowhere with no friends willing enough to drive out to see me. To make things worse when I offer to pick up my friends to hang they still ahve some reason or another to not see me. I can't help but feel like the worlds ignoring me sometimes.
And people wondering why I'm so bitchy about my friends. wouldn't you be bitchy if your friends pretty much ignored you all the time?
All of this just makes me feel like crying again. I am so tired of being depressed over this. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of trying to have friends. I'm tired of surviving. Fuck I'm tired of living, period. I'm just so goddamned tired of existing.
I used to feel proud of myself for getting over cutting and the suicide attempts, but not anymore. I just regret it. The cutting helped me forget the pain. It helped more than any person ever has. And the suicide? Well the thought of ending it all was the biggest comfort I've ever felt, even if I was too scared to go through with it.
Maybe someday I won't be scared anymore. Someday...
I've fallen so in love with the story adn the characters that it makes me sad that Indrid and Lilah aren't real. Sometimes I even catch myself wishing I could trade places with Lilah, even if she's fighting for survival. Her life is just so much more amazing than mine.
Over the past year, my life has gone from almost amazing to not worth living. Someone once told me that I wasn't living, that I was just surviving, adn you know what? It's true. It's completely true. And it's the biggest reason I cry myself to sleep every night.
Some people would argue that it's my own damn fault but what am I to do when I don't drive and I live out in the middle of nowhere with no friends willing enough to drive out to see me. To make things worse when I offer to pick up my friends to hang they still ahve some reason or another to not see me. I can't help but feel like the worlds ignoring me sometimes.
And people wondering why I'm so bitchy about my friends. wouldn't you be bitchy if your friends pretty much ignored you all the time?
All of this just makes me feel like crying again. I am so tired of being depressed over this. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of trying to have friends. I'm tired of surviving. Fuck I'm tired of living, period. I'm just so goddamned tired of existing.
I used to feel proud of myself for getting over cutting and the suicide attempts, but not anymore. I just regret it. The cutting helped me forget the pain. It helped more than any person ever has. And the suicide? Well the thought of ending it all was the biggest comfort I've ever felt, even if I was too scared to go through with it.
Maybe someday I won't be scared anymore. Someday...
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