sometimes

you just got to let go and realize you are alone and there is no one there for you.

i don't know how much longer i can go on like this. "/

Life.

This past month has had it's ups and downs. It's been more rough than I would have liked. Here's hoping next month will be much better.

Tumblr.

So I made a Tumblr. I'm finding out why people love it so much.

http://emmyhasagun.tumblr.com/

And no, it's not a Liam Neeson dump, despite appearences...

Liam Neeson

So, I'm currently in the midst of a Liam Neeson addiction. Gone 4 days straight watching only movies he's in. I can't help it.

And I won't lie, he's fucking hot... even if he is old enough to be my dad.

A Review of Noir and "I'm Only Human Sometimes" Music Video

Words fail me when it comes to William Control’s new album and music video. For once it’s not a good thing.

The Album
Although not a total loss, Noir is a pretty big disappointment. Many of the songs lyrics feel hockey and forced and the music is less unique than Hate Culture. Over all it has a gimmicky feel, as if he’s forcing the music to fit a stereotype. Some of the songs sound more like noise than music and a couple of them make me question why I bother listening at all.
“Why Dance With The Devil When You Have Me?” stands out as probably the most annoying song. It doesn’t sound remotely like anything I’d expect to be on a William Control CD. And the rap towards the end just makes it worse.
But not every song is a total waste. The one that beautifully stands out as a reason to get Noir would be the title track, “Noir.” It’s a ballad of metaphoric lyrics beautifully accompanied by piano. The lyrics are magnificent and are a shining example of what William could do. The question is, why didn’t he do it with the rest of the album?
When “Noir” ends, it’s seamlessly goes into the next track, “Epilogue.” The beginning of this song is the piano from “Noir” played in reverse accompanied by the sound of rain. Than the epilogue starts, which is in fact the epilogue of the 2004 film, The Libertine. Fans will note that the track “Prologue” on Hate Culture is also taken from this movie. This adds a sense of connection between the albums and is a fitting end to the CD. Or would be were it not for the annoying hidden song at the end of it.
Overall I expected much, much more from the album. I know William can do better. I just hope that if he makes a third album, that he learns from this and makes the music we know he can make.

The Music Video: “I’m Only Human Sometimes”
Where to begin? This left me speechless, but not in a good way. There were so many things that felt wrong about it.
First the story of the video was pretty predictable. I’ve never watched a music video with a story and was able to predict it. And using the whole drugged, having some organ stolen, waking up in a bathtub with a note to dial 911 is cliché and not in anyway original.
Second, William is married and making out and appearing to have sex with 2 different women in the video made me feel like I watching him cheat on his wife. It was uncomfortable.
Third it was a little too explicit. As the founder/admin of a fan site dedicated to him I know he has younger fans. I don’t think this video sends any of the right messages.
Overall the video felt like porn. It was not entertaining and left me feeling disgusted. I’m pretty sure this could have been done differently in a way that doesn’t give me a negative view of my favorite artist. I don’t think I’ll be watching it again anytime soon.

In the whole, I feel like I’ve been let down by a friend. With William Control being my favorite musician, I feel somewhat embarrassed to admit so, because of the poor quality of the album and especially because of the artist. I feel torn over this in such a strong way that I am even considering taking a short leave from running the site to think over everything. I will be back; I can’t lie Hate Culture is still one of my favorite albums.

Emmy has a Movie Ticket!

Due to popular demand from friends, I have created a new and awesome blog for everything movies! Movie reviews, updates, news, and more!

http://emmyhasamovieticket.blogspot.com/

What it's like to feel real...

Sometimes I forget what it's like to feel human. I sometimes feel like I don't even exist. I just want to feel real again.

Solomon Kane (2009) Review

Based on the character created by Robert E. Howard (creator of the character Conan), Solomon Kane is a sort of origin story for the main character. After learning his soul belongs to the devil, he renounces violence and becomes a man of peace. But when a family who take him under their wing is attacked, and their daughter taken, he must fight to save her life, his soul and to free the land from a growing evil.
Although violent, the movie is not overly gory which makes it enjoyable for a larger audience.

Over all I found the movie to be rather enjoyable and although not amazing nor award winning, it was a good movie to just sit down and watch. The special effects were not as cheap looking as I originally though they might be and the action was just right, not overdone.
I will admit I started watching it with low expectations. A movie that was supposed to be released and has been with the potential of being a straight to DVD release always gives me pause. But this outdid my expectations and had me hooked til the end.
The cast of it I thought was brilliant with James Purefoy (Resident Evil, A Knight's Tale) taking the title role and Rachel Hurd-Wood (Perfume: the Story of a Murderer, Peter Pan) playing the ethereal Meridith, the girl Solomon is bound by oath to save. All the actors did an amazing job and played their roles convincingly.
I can only hope that possibly Solomon Kane will see at least a limited theatrical release in the US.

This Much I Know is True

I hate living.

I know I always say it but I really do. I can't ever do things good enough for anyone. My parents don't like me and neither do my own friends. I feel so alone anymore it's not funny.

Everyday I consider just ending it all. But I don't have the guts.

I'm so fucking pathetic. I really am.

"/

I pretty much just got dumped by my once best friend. Losing a friend has never hurt this much before.

The Poughkeepsie Tapes (unreleased) Review.

In the 1990's a serial killer terrorized

an upstate New York town.
Some murderers leave clues.
Some leave warnings.
This one left...
The Poughkeepsie Tapes

And that is how the advertising poster lures you in. But for me it was the trailer I saw years ago before the films original release date in 2007/2008. But since then the movie has been put into an indefinitely postponed state with no real reason why. But due to the fortune that is bootlegging I managed to get myself a copy and watched it.
It's pretty much a "documentary" about a serial killer who left behind over 800 video tapes containing videos of him kidnapping, torturing and killing people. Between interviews and segments from the killer's tapes, the movie gives you a grim and brutal look into a (fictitious) horrible, brutal and grim crime spree that lasts over 8 years.
Despite some bad reviews, I've found quite a few good ones. This lead me to have hope the movie was good and I will say I agree. It was a good movie. It wasn't overly scary, but it was a thriller and did leave you with a horrible gut feeling at times. Many of the scenes were disturbing and just plain fucked up. This movie is not for the faint of heart, nor is it for anyone who gets easily disturbed.
One note that did leave me a little annoyed was the baffling fact that (in the version I watched) the creators clung to the whole "real" factor a little too much as the movie ends with an in memory of victims list and the credits has a featured list instead of giving a cast. Nor was the "This movie is a work of fiction" line anywhere in the credits. This could potentially lead to people believe the events portrayed in the movie to be real when they aren't.
With a Blair Witch/District 9 documentary feel, I would say this movie deserves a theatrical release. It at least deserves to be released on DVD instead of being swept under the carpet to be long forgotten.

Clash of the Titans (2010) Review.

After watching a decent bootleg of the new Clash of the Titans, I'm pretty glad that I didn't waste $10 to see it in theaters. As a huge fan of the original 1981 version, I found this one to be very disappointing. Too much of the story was changed and some of the changes had no real reason to be made.
My biggest beef had to be the removal of a key beloved despite quirky character: Bubo the mechanical owl. The story wasn't the same with his mechanical babbling. Another annoying change was instead of being white Pegasus was black, and his role was cut down to be very minimal. The whole romance between Perseus and Andromeda was complete cut as well.
The only cool things were the scorpion riding Djinn, Medusa looking bad ass and sexy at the same time, Liam Neeson as a very shiny Zeus, and the Kraken.
Overall I felt like it was a waste of time. If you've never seen the original then it's probably easier to like, but die hard fans of the original should avoid this. I remember when I first heard about the remake they said it was going to be an homage to the original. It was anything but that. Instead it was taking a beloved classic and modernizing it into a flashy, special effects driven, action flick.

In the halflight I'll see you in time.

Last night I started writing. It's a story that's been floating around my head for more than a year. It's changed and evolved into something amazing, somethng I can't wait to put down on paper.
I've fallen so in love with the story adn the characters that it makes me sad that Indrid and Lilah aren't real. Sometimes I even catch myself wishing I could trade places with Lilah, even if she's fighting for survival. Her life is just so much more amazing than mine.
Over the past year, my life has gone from almost amazing to not worth living. Someone once told me that I wasn't living, that I was just surviving, adn you know what? It's true. It's completely true. And it's the biggest reason I cry myself to sleep every night.
Some people would argue that it's my own damn fault but what am I to do when I don't drive and I live out in the middle of nowhere with no friends willing enough to drive out to see me. To make things worse when I offer to pick up my friends to hang they still ahve some reason or another to not see me. I can't help but feel like the worlds ignoring me sometimes.
And people wondering why I'm so bitchy about my friends. wouldn't you be bitchy if your friends pretty much ignored you all the time?
All of this just makes me feel like crying again. I am so tired of being depressed over this. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of trying to have friends. I'm tired of surviving. Fuck I'm tired of living, period. I'm just so goddamned tired of existing.
I used to feel proud of myself for getting over cutting and the suicide attempts, but not anymore. I just regret it. The cutting helped me forget the pain. It helped more than any person ever has. And the suicide? Well the thought of ending it all was the biggest comfort I've ever felt, even if I was too scared to go through with it.
Maybe someday I won't be scared anymore. Someday...

Reminder

Everyday I go online and Facebook, deviantART, Twitter, Formspring. It all makes me want to cry becuase everyday I am reminded of how little I actually mean to my friends. I'm reminded of how insignificant and pathetic I am.
I'm so close to just forgetting those sites and only using the internet for Hate Culture.

It Takes Two

It takes two people to keep a friendship alive. When one stops and leaves the other to do all the work, that one person who wanted to keep the friendship alive must eventually let go and move on. That alone is one of the hardest things a person can do. I would know. I'm in the process of finding it within myself to just let go of a person I thought was going to be a close friend for a long time. And it really seemed that way too, until her boyfriend entered the picture. Ever since she started dating him, he's the only person she spends her free time with. I've tried to invite her to hang out, but every time she's busy with some excuse. If this were over the course of a month, I could see it as being understandable, but when it's over the course of 6 months, there really isn't any excuse. I know people who are way more busy but still find time to show me they care about my existence. And honestly, I just need to let go and say enough is enough. If she wants to be friends than she can prove it instead of making me do all the work.

My muse is dead.

I wonder why I do this to myself.
I stare at other peoples works of art and find myself losing faith in my own. My work is no where near as good as others and I fear that no one will like it. This is usually the case as my art goes unnoticed when I publish it on deviantART.
After some time I find that my muse had slowed withered away until he is dead. Then I find myself unable to do anything good.
But then I feel bad because unlike some of the better artists, I'm not talented, I don't have a good camera, nor do I have a tablet to allow for digital drawing.
In the end I feel like shit and want to burn my art.
The only people who ever really show appreciation for it is my parents.
Maybe I'm not meant to do this art shit.

Eclipse Tea Party

The other day while on the fun with my friend I came up with this quirky yet brilliant and so me idea to do.
I'm planning to go to the midnight showing of The Twilight Saga: Eclipse. Inspired by the kids who did this for New Moon, I've decided to wait out all day at the movie theater to make sure I get good seats. To help pass the time, I've also decided to bring tea cups and a tea pot and have a mini tea party in the lobby of the movie theater. How will I serve hot tea? I'm gonna make it in the morning and keep it in a thermos to stay warm (then pour it in the tea pot to pour into the cups).
I may look like a lunatic, but I'll be an elegant one.

3-20-2010

I bottle everything up until it slowly eats away at me from the inside out.

Let's all take a chance on something strange...

Recently with how Hate Culture: A William Control Fansite is still growing and it's almost a year old, I decided to start a blog for it. The blog, called Let's All Take a Chance on Something Strange is a place to find out about updates to the site, possible future updates, anything William Control related and the mad thoughts that preoccupy the Admins mind (well the ones in relation to the site anyhow, the others are found here, obviously).

Check it out: http://hatecultureblog.blogspot.com/

Permit

Yes, after many years procrastinating, I have finally gotten my permit. It's rather exciting. Soon I will be on my way to my licence and freedom. I will finally be able to have a life, maybe even a social life.

These violent delights have violent ends.

I got myself into another relationship. Did it last long? No. Why? Becuase of me. And becuase it was another long distance one. I can't handle the distance. Every guy who seems to be interested in me live far away. Why? I don't know. It just happens that way. However, the distance, it just eats away at me on the inside until I'm lieterally going crazy thinking about it and just losing any hope in ever having a "real" relationship.
It seems that anymore I'm quite capable of breaking my own heart.

iMonster

In explanation to my recent transformation into for lack of a better word, a monster I feel I have some explaining to do. I don't expect everyone to full understand, as no one full understands me and who I am and how my life has been. None of you save for one (who has been around me since 1st grade) has really been in my life for a long time.

Over the past few months I have had little to no social interaction with anyone. I've had an occasional few outings with some friends and I do interact with people via Xbox Live, but it's not enough. Anyone who knows anything knows that humans are social creatures. For one to experience little to no social interactions for weeks at a time is like being in total isolation. Eventually your mental state starts to deteriorate. It's not as bad, but it's similar enough.

To top it off, I suffer from bipolar disorder and frequently suffer thoughts of suicide. Due to a lack of any kind of health insurance, I have been unmedicated for months. I do work hard to keep my mind and emotions in order, but you must understand it is rather difficult when you are not receiving the proper treatment.

Call me over dramatic, call me an attention seeker, call me pathetic, call me selfish. At this point I really don't care what people think. I just need the people who do care about me to understand. Being silent, ignoring me, treating me like I don't exist because you think such things of me or because I tend to be mean and rude is only causing me to act such way. If you can't understand where I am coming from and who I am, that is sad and honestly, not understanding is more pathetic then my suicide attempts and cutting as a cry for help.

For those who have offered support and have gotten a cold shoulder from me. Understand I want the support, I just have never been able to trust anybody. I have been working at being able to accept it, but honestly I do not want your support if it isn't genuine.

Should you have anything to say, say it. Should you have any questions, ask them and I will answer. Should you wish to offer support, I will take it as best I can. Should you wish to be an asshole, go fuck yourself. Should you wish to be friend thank you.

That is all I have to say on the matter. For now.

"And then Father, the Rapture dream was over..."

BioShock 2 was amazing. The game was far better than I had hoped it would be. The story was superb and those damned Big Sisters were crazy bitches. They were actually intimidating.

To make the whole experience even better, Friday night was Game With the Developers: BioShock 2 on Xbox Live, so all Friday night I was gaming with User Interface Artist Jim of 2K Marin. He was an awesome laid back guy (who refused to tell us if there was gonna be a BioShock 3). It was awesomely fun and amazing (I love video games so much that game developers are like celebrities to me).

I also would like to add that I got the Collectors Edition of the game and the guide book and let me tell you, they went all out for this game. Both were worth the extra money.

Overall BioShock 2 has been an amazing experience. Come to Rapture, we're very welcoming here...

Now that I have some time to spare...

I thought I'd update on the happenings of the past month or two.

First off, my job at Toys Я Us was great, though sadly it is over as I was only a temporary seasonal hire. I'll probably start job hunting again soon, but until then I've come up with a great idea to start make some money on the side.

Which brings me to my second update. I've decided to get into making/designing my own jewelry that I'll be selling. Once I get a few pieces done and ready to sell, I'll post a link to the site I'll be selling off of. I'll keep you updated as things go on.

Third item of interest: the holidays were great, but the best gift of all was finally getting DSL internet. Oh the joys of having high speed. With DSL I have also been able to get on Xbox Live and have had a blast with that.

Life seems to be going so well, but at the same time, its been a bummer. As 2009 came to a close, I lost 4 friends I thought were close friends. I guess I was wrong. But its a new year. I expect and hope for great things, new adventures and many new acquaintances this year.